September
Interesting week this, at least in my mind. Lots of shoulds, oughts, needs, and wants are competing for first place on my ToDo list. But that list remains as cluttered with question marks as it has for these past six months. I continue to wrestle with uncertainty - the dis-ease that the pandemic has ushered into my life, into all our lives. Today, right now, I know that I am safe and secure in my own house. I am well-nourished and hydrated. My body feels well and energized. My mind is sharp enough for someone of my vintage and I'd like to think that it's even better than that, more acute than just good enough. At this moment, all is well. But what about tomorrow? Well, that's probably okay too. I'm only going out for some grocery shopping. But what about next week or next month? This weekend, my love and I will be venturing into the city on Saturday and Sunday. Both excursions will be to wide open spaces and we'll have mask and sanitizer at the ready. But...???
In truth of course, as Benjamin Franklin put it in 1789, there are only two certainties in life, death and taxes. I've grown up and lived in a society in which I have had the profound privilege of stepping outside my door each and every day to go about my business and leisure comfortably, confident that barring accident or misadventure, I will return home safe and well no matter how far or how long I've been away. I have been certain that the people I have met and places I have been harbour no significant threat to my well-being nor that of my loved ones.
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| The "Hogwarts Express" in Scotland |
I no longer have the luxury of that certainty. It has been shattered by the threat of serious illness and death carried by a virus sweeping not just my world, but the whole world. For the first time in my life, I am uncertain about people every time I leave the house. Even masked, distanced and sanitized, I am wary of others around me. Sometimes that wariness foments into fearfulness and that cannot be a good thing for me or anybody. People need people. Even introvert me needs people, just not a whole lot of them at the same time.
The return to school next week is the next big phase in this global science experiment and uncertainty is fueling fearsome questions from all constituents - parents, students, teachers, school boards, unions, health authorities, along with all levels of government. It's going to be messy and nobody actually knows what will work and what won't. We just have to give it a whirl while also being ready and very willing to jump in with lockdowns to contain outbreaks where and when they happen. And they will happen! Of that I am certain.
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| It's all like searching for just the right building block. |
The best thing that I can do to help my family, my community and myself is to keep my distance, as hard as that is; wear a mask, as uncomfortable as that is; and wash (or sanitize) my hands often, as inconvenient as that may be. There is one other important thing that I need to do. I need to prevent uncertainty about the next weeks and months from getting the better of me. Yes, the dis-ease is there. Yes, such uncertainty is not only real but warranted. No, it does not have to obliterate my enjoyment of life and people. I have to learn to tolerate some elevated level of uneasiness, learn to work with it rather than against it, to make most days good enough, some days amazing, and with a just few clunkers along the way to keep me humble and real.
A few subtle, or not so subtle changes are in order. I've stopped posting the 10am Check-In on my Facebook page. I began this in late March as a daily piece intended to assure others that I was okay and for me to know how others were coping. I'm still interested in how folks are doing, but by and large I can read that in their posts, or I can message them, or pick up the phone.
I've stopped logging the daily CoVID-19 statistics for Ontario, Canada, and the USA. Since March 12th, I've kept a spreadsheet of daily cumulative cases and deaths. For the record, back then there were 60 cases in Ontario with zero deaths, 109 in Canada with 1 death, and 1630 in the USA with 41 deaths. On August 31 (172 days later) my last entry in the spreadsheet reads: Ontario 42,309 total cases with 2811 deaths, Canada 128,948 with 9126 deaths, and USA 6,211,796 with 187,736 deaths. I don't need to know anymore. Of course I'll have an eye out for Ontario's numbers, more specifically the numbers in my own area. That's just prudent but not obsessive.
I'm thinking of hosting a few Zoom meetings. One hour or less "Whine & Geez" gatherings of no more than six to eight people, just to connect, commiserate, and collaborate on making good days. This will be my little experiment in the midst of the great pandemic experiment. Six months ago such a virtual gathering would have been beyond me and filled me with trepidation. But now I'm becoming more comfortable with meet-ups of two-dimensional pixels on a flat screen. It's one of those "good enough" things for the time being and proof that this old gal can learn new tricks.
Still need a dose of certainty? Here's one: September will be interesting!
Thanks for sticking with me.
Stay safe. Stay sane.
©2020 April Hoeller
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