I first posted these words a year ago at this time. The feelings remain - my heart aches; gratitude fills my soul for the sacrifice of so many so long ago, and not so long ago.
I will remember...
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I am a soldier’s mother.
But would he? As proud as I was, I was also terrified by questions and images. Just how would he return to me? Pieces in a steel box and saluted by many? Disfigured, limbs missing with his insides protruding from a bag on the outside? A stranger, shattered in mind and spirit by invisible wounds? I was almost paralysed by such questions. I coped by rehearsing every scenario and then developing a care plan for each one. That's how I filled the first week that he was gone.
In the weeks that followed I packed up love and protection into three care packages, following army guidelines and suggestions of course: pre-packaged rice krispie squares and Pringles®, tuna snacks and maple leaf lollipops, wet naps and Febreeze®, hot chocolate mix and a gazillion packets of Coffeemate®, then two tins of tactical bacon – a highly prized possession among the troops. All gently surrounded by twelve rolls of the softest toilet tissue on the market – also a highly prized possession in the desert. On the top I laid the Sears Christmas Wish Book®. I added one thing that was not on the army list. I slipped two hermetically sealed fine Cuban cigars, his favourites, down between the toilet tissue and the Pringles, then I unleashed the packaging tape machine and went to work. S. W. A. K.(sealed with a kiss)
He called when he could, from Kandahar Air Field. The army had instructions for these chats – talk about all the great stuff going on, the weather, the dog, the neighbourhood. He too had a script and though there was nothing of real substance exchanged, the important questions were answered. The voice from so very far away sounded normal. He sounded okay. NO, better than okay, he sounded good, intact, but also changed. I heard a man’s voice, a man who had seen much.
A few times I stood on the Victoria Park bridge over the 401 clutching my flag and my heart, welcoming other mother’s children back home. The scene was always the same – a long black cortege winding its way along the Highway of Heroes, lights flashing, flags waving, tears flowing. Please dear God, don’t ever let it be me in that dark stretch limo following a flag draped casket in a funeral coach. Please...
Sometimes he talked about the stench of the place – open sewers and rotting garbage. He talked about the heat and the cold of the desert, and the dust, dust, and more dust that got into everything. There were no traditional Christmas crackers that year or other things that might go bang. There were no sudden movements and he sat with his back to a wall. Sometimes when he got up, he reached out for a rifle that was no longer there. But he said little about his tour. As the months passed I heard occasional snippets, half sentences: “felt the breeze as a grenade went by..., daily rocket barrage behind the wire.” and in a general discussion about first aid kits, he allowed, “Oh yeah, I strapped on tourniquets to my arms and legs before going out on patrol, just so they were there if...”
I don’t need to know any more details. I am one of the lucky ones. I can watch my son capable and strong, happily married and safely home, fulfil his vocation.
My heart aches for all Silver Cross mothers, fathers, wives and sweethearts. William Alexander Fraser, a Canadian novelist who first proposed this medal in 1916, wrote: “The mothers are the heroines of the bitter home trenches. They suffer in silence with no reward but the sense that they have answered the call with their heart’s blood...”
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them, all who gave so much.
©2014 April Hoeller (photo below courtesy of Veteran's Affairs Canada)
