Thursday, or Thereabouts - March 6, 2014

A Treasure Box Day

Twenty-seven years ago today I awoke to labour pains. Our second baby was on the way. It was a cloudy and very warm day, +8C by noon (compare that with today's -18C, but it's sunny!). At 2:35pm all 9 lbs.7 oz. of her splashed into our lives sporting a head of spikey red hair.

I said "splashed" because my waters did not break but rather backed up behind the babe and she rode something of a tidal wave out of me. The crash as the waters hit the floor of the delivery room is one of most vivid memories of the day - that and the red hair. Oh, and maybe the fact that beside all the other newborns ours looked like a 3 month old. But I was sort of used to that. Our firstborn was 9-1/4 pounds.
We make 'em big it seems.

My love and I are so very proud of both our son and daughter. They have grown into responsible, intelligent and happy adults with lives and loves of their own.

My treasure box is overflowing with joy, love and gratitude. 

We are blessed. 

©2014 April Hoeller

Monday Moanings - March 3, 2014

In praise of Denial

Brace yourselves. I'm in a bad mood today.

It's not a great way to kick off a new week, but I didn't order up this melange of grief. It reared up on me shortly after I awoke. Rest assured, there has been no great tragedy in my life. No loved one has died or been diagnosed with cancer. There have been no reports of family divorces, job losses or broken bones.

There has been a frustrating disappointment with a body that refuses to cooperate with me.

There have already been tears this morning, but I've moved past the Depression and, following a brief tour in the Bargaining basement, I've run headlong into Anger. Anger yanked me out the gloom enough to write this post. That's a good thing, but now I'm counting on Denial to make an appearance. A warm blanket of denial would be very nice right now, especially as I know Acceptance is still a long way off.



Denial is most often the victim of a bad rap. There are times when it's the best place to be, the only place where there is some positive energy, some comfort, and above all some joy.

And that's what I need today - some joy.

I think it's working...
I'm feeling happier already. Denial - I love you!

©2014 April Hoeller

Thursday, or Thereabouts - February 20, 2014

The Doldrums

The ship of this not quite so ancient mariner has arrived in the doldrums yet again. Unscheduled, unplanned yet always on time, this annual sojourn in the land of idleness always appears on my itinerary in the last weeks of February.

Now one would think that such regularity, such predictability would give rise to highly effective coping strategies, or even better yet a calculated manoeuvre to avoid this navigational hazard, but no. This mariner, vintage, but not ancient (but maybe a tad repetitive?), charts the same course every year: smile and wave at the Candlemas Day lighthouse on Feb. 2, bask in the joy and warmth of Valentine hearts and flowers, and then ...

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, no breath no motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I flail. I toss and turn. I toil away at the coal pile of self-recrimination until one day, time and place click together and it dawns on me that I've sailed into this sea before. In a guilt-laden lament to my beta reader friend earlier today I wrote that I "was dead in the water" with no writing to offer her as our meeting date loomed. Time and place snapped together. Aha!









I know where I am. I know that soon the winds will pick up and I'll be on my way again under full sail. In the mean time, I'll sit up on deck and befriend the calm, enjoy the stillness and await the freshening breeze.
All is well.

©2014 April Hoeller

Thursday, or Thereabouts - February 6, 2014

Enough Already!

How can something that was so wonderful and so celebrated just 8 weeks ago, be so annoying and downright tiresome now? Magnificent white landscapes that sparkled and amazed now evoke groans and curses, even from that most ardent lover of winter, me. It still is pretty in it's own way but my heart no longer burns with devotion. Another 18cm fell from the sky yesterday and I can't remember if I've ever seen this much snow on the ground since we moved here in 1978.

The view from my kitchen window Wednesday morning

After 20 minutes behind the snowblower

Deep, really deep.

But sunset is getting later...

Even Sophie looks disgusted

But here's what I thought of as I shovelled off the deck:

Sunday morning brekkie in June on that very same deck. 

Oh joy, oh bliss! 

All in good time, all in good time.

©2014 April Hoeller

Thursday, or Thereabouts - December 26, 2013

On the Feast of Stephen...The Second Day of Christmas

The view outside my door this morning - a fresh snowfall

Time to put together the Christmas Box for all our servants and trades people on the estate and top up the alms box in the church for the poor. It's the Feast of Stephen!

What's that you say? That's not done anymore?

Our Tree Christmas Morning

Well it is true that I don't live on an estate, though my abode would be considered palatial in some parts of the world; I don't have any servants or tradespeople working for me, though this morning there is a very nice young man (my daughter's man) clearing snow off the steps and deck; and if I could find a church nearby that was open I'd be hard pressed to find the alms box. What I can find on this Boxing Day is a celebration of greed at shopping malls and big box stores -- a retail frenzy that I have absolutely zero interest in seeing or hearing about, and much less in partaking of it's lineups and chaos.


Today the joy of Christmas continues as we gather for a festive celebration of the season with my extended family. There will be noise as children, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all come together; there will be a boxes and bags and a frenzy of torn wrapping paper as the young ones open yet another deluge Christmas presents; there will be plates piled high with food, full glasses and even fuller hearts. Memories will be made and love will be shared.
It will still be Christmas.

©2013 April Hoeller

Thursday, or Thereabouts - November 28, 2013

I love a parade!

OMG! I'm late!
I always post by 10am and it's already past Noon!
Quelle horreur!

BUT...
Today is American Thanksgiving and that means only one thing - the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in
New York City. It's a tradition of sorts for me to tune in to this mega event and if you love parades as much as I do, then this is the one for you! It is nothing short of an extravaganza of  marching bands (sadly a tradition that never really caught on in Canada), eye-popping floats and those iconic flying balloons (also largely absent in Canadian parades). This parade is a stellar performance from start to finish.

Today with a temperature hovering around the zero C mark (32F) and winds high enough to get all those flags flapping but just low enough to permit the flying balloons to do what they do best - lift eyes and hearts up, way up, the parade lead off with the NYPD motorcycle troop. I looked for Tom Selleck but - oh wait, that's another TV show. The first float was a mammoth turkey, billed as the largest bird in the parade, and then Snoopy and Woodstock flew into view. Snoopy is the character with the longest history of appearances in the Macy's parade. Yay Snoopy! Some 8000 volunteers brought us the music, song and dance acts, and the myriad of floats that all lead up to the grand finale, the entrance of emerald and golden sleigh bearing the jolly old elf himself, along with Mrs. Claus. It's enough to make anyone shout, "I believe!"

And that, folks is my excuse for tardiness, but here's the point: if you can step away from the obligations and duties of your life, especially the self-imposed ones; if you can leave behind the 'shoulds' and 'oughts' for a few hours to be amused and amazed, to be a kid again eyes wide with anticipation and bodies bubbling with joy, DO IT!

A very Happy Thanksgiving to all my American family, friends and writers.

©2013 April Hoeller (except Macy's poster)

Thursday, or Thereabouts - July 11, 2013

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."

This William Wordsworth quotation has been bouncing around in my consciousness for a few days now, and I'm happy to report that several more pages of the memoir I'm working on have been filled as a result of that bobber in the midst of the otherwise placid lake of my mindfulness. Yay!

Some days fishing is a good metaphor for my writing process - just throw out a line and see what's biting.Today I'm honing 'catch and release' skills, which in fishing is a fine and admirable practice but in writing nets a very paltry take, unless of course you are my inner critic. My inner critic is having a blast. She can hardly believe her luck on the lake today. All I can hear is her gleeful cackle: "That one's too big. That one's too small. That one's no good. That one bites."

The write fish has got to be out there, somewhere. I check my tackle and recast the line, aiming for the quiet pool just beyond the reeds, just over the rock ledge, that ... perfect ... spot. Ahh but alas, perfection is the inner critic's splash park. No wonder she's having so much fun today!

Time for me to exchange my pen for the camera, for today the breathings of my heart inspire me discover wordless images of beauty and wonder, joy and love. And that's about as perfect as anything gets.

Let's go for a walk in my garden.

Now let's head over to the York Regional Forest - Hollidge Tract

And back home again for a good roll in the grass:

All photos ©April Hoeller 2013