Thursday, or Thereabouts - April 30, 2020

A Season of Grief

A series of deadly crises has marked the first four months of 2020 in my homeland. From the January downing of Ukrainian Airlines Flight 752 with the loss of fifty-five Canadians and thirty permanent residents of this country, to the toll  CoVID-19 has exacted in care homes and indeed on all of our lives, to the worst mass shooting in our history which ended the lives of twenty-three people including an RCMP constable. And now this morning the news of the crash of Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) helicopter in the Mediterranean Sea with six crew aboard, one of whom has been confirmed dead, one who piped Amazing Grace only days ago from the deck of HMCS Fredericton in tribute to the victims of the mass shooting.

image courtesy of @CDS_Canada_CEMD

This last loss resonates deeply with me. I don't personally know any of the CAF members serving on HMCS Fredericton, but I am a soldier's mother and therefore I am a part of the armed forces family.

Today I am reminded of the several times some ten years ago while my son was serving in Afghanistan when I stood on the Victoria Park bridge over HWY 401 clutching my flag and my heart, welcoming other mother’s children back home. The scene was always the same – a long black cortege winding its way along the Highway of Heroes, lights flashing, flags waving, tears flowing.

I remember thinking then as do now today, "Please dear God, don’t ever let it be me in that dark stretch limo following a flag-draped casket in a funeral coach. Please..."

My heart aches for the friends and families of the helicopter crew, for the men and women on the HMCS Fredericton, and for all in the big family that is the Canadian Armed Forces.

Tomorrow my son steps up again to fulltime service, this time at home as the men and women in uniform take their part in the pandemic response. Although I don't know what that service will look like for him, I do know that he along with his sisters and brothers in arms will not hesitate to do the job that is needed, to step in front of danger so that we can be safe.

Thank you for your service.

We will remember.

©2020 April Hoeller

Monday Meander - April 27, 2020

Report from the blankie fort - Week 7

Week 7? SEVEN?? WEEKS??? And we're all still here. I'm still stuck at home looking out at a bunch of bear bums.

"Stuck" is not a helpful or even healthy attitude. We're told to rephrase it as "safe at home" and as true as that is, at seven weeks on, isolation is wearing a little thin at times for all of us. It hasn't helped that too many of the days of these past weeks have been accompanied by gloomy uninspiring weather that reinforced "stuck" more than "safe" at home.

But then this past weekend, Saturday brought stunning sunshine and t-shirt temperatures to my door. I spent hours doing yard work, clearing away the debris field winter had left behind. I raked and the tipped fourteen wheelbarrows-full of dead leaves, grass, and twigs into the compost heap. Neighbours were outside doing the same for their yards. We waved and chatted with each other almost yelling in order to be heard over the great distance that is between us in these rural routes. Many folks were out just enjoying a walk along our street and whether we knew each other by name or not, we took the time to check in with one another, chatting across one side of the road to the other, learning we were all okay and making the best of the times. I was truly touched to be asked if there was anything that I needed. I'm constantly having to remind myself that at 67 years old, I'm in the vulnerable group for CoVID-19. Just don't call me "elderly!"

The best part of all that work and 'visiting' (with the exception of the topics of conversation) was how blessedly NORMAL it all felt. All the fear, frustration, and angst that had built up over the weeks of staying safe at home, all that dis-ease melted away. Oh, I have no doubt that it will all rise up again as the siege of this pandemic continues, but now I have a remedy, a tonic on the shelf of my medicine cabinet - when the weather permits, find something normal to do outside in the yard and just do it!

Today the sun is again shining. There are good things "growing on" outside my door. I'm outta here...

Take Care.

Be well.

Be safe at Home.

©2020 April Hoeller

Thursday, or Thereabouts - April 23, 2020

Hanging In and Hanging On

As I thought about what to write here today, that phrase came to mind. It's a fair description of how I'm doing and how I see the world outside my door doing as the days and weeks of the COVID-19 siege drag on. Though it is clear that the restrictions are having a positive impact, we're told again and again that this is far from over, that our efforts to stay home and to maintain physical distance when we must go out cannot be slackened and there is no sure end date in sight.

Sophie says, "Harumph!"

I had a small fit of rebellion yesterday. Fed up with online grocery shopping and suffering from cabin fever, I jumped in the car and drove to a grocery store for the first time in over three weeks. I chose my merchant carefully - not a warehouse, not a large chain, but a trusted store that had its beginnings as a fresh fruit and vegetable stand. I hummed and sang my way along the fifteen-minute drive, thrilled by my escape from the house, thrilled to be going grocery shopping.

It felt odd to walk across the parking lot emptyhanded, without my own cloth produce and shopping bags. It felt wrong. My balloon of jubilant expectation began losing air. Undaunted I donned the gloves offered by the attendant and wheeled my disinfected cart into the store. Unease crept up my back as I sensed someone behind me. I turned my head around to check that he was at least two metres behind me. The young man smiled as he said, No rush. Take your time."

List in hand I plodded on pleased to see that for the most part, shelves were well-stocked. But now, of course, there are traffic rules in grocery stores large and small, one-way aisles marked in bright yellow that ought to be followed. In the produce area, traffic flow was less than orderly and I felt a kind of paranoia settling in...
Oh god, there's someone creeping up behind me! She's coming way too close!
What's that guy doing coming over here?
Why is that woman touching all the red peppers and putting them back?
Who just coughed?!

My body in an alert mode now, I navigated my way through the store like a cop clearing a building. I got most of what was on my list or was able to make acceptable substitutions. From that point of view, the excursion was a success. All the staff was very pleasant and helpful. BUT - It was not fun.

Back in my car, feeling safe and secure, I thought how absolutely bizarre that whole experience had been, how very abnormal my reaction was on a simple ordinary grocery shopping trip in extraordinary times. Will I go again? Probably, but not for ten days or so, and next time I will be better prepared for the adventure. I will know what to expect. In the meantime, I'm hanging in!

And I'm hanging out like these winter survivors still clinging to trees and vines in the forest:

Take Care.

Be well.

Be safe at Home.

©2020 April Hoeller

Monday Meander - April 20, 2020

Report from the blankie fort - Week 6

I sauntered into my kitchen this morning to hear my late mother's voice echoing in my brain, "Look who woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"







Yup, that's right. I woke up in a bad mood that not even brilliant sunshine could disperse. Everything annoys me this morning. A restless night was fertile ground for the growth of just such a foul temper.









I was getting somewhat comfortable with my life in isolation, I was settling into new routines, I was beginning to feel safe and secure. I had become confident and somewhat content with the apple cart of my life under quarantine.

That apple cart lost its wheels with the news of the worst mass shooting ever in my country. At this writing, eighteen citizens are dead, including one RCMP constable. Newswires are reporting that the death toll may rise as the investigation continues. The alleged shooter is also dead.

I don't get it! I can't make any sense of such atrocious violence.

I have the privilege of sitting with the news of this senseless act in the comfort of my home some 1700km away from where it all happened. My distress is nothing compared to that of Portapique and surrounding communities in Nova Scotia. My distress is microscopic alongside the grief and loss of the bereaved, for whom the opportunity to say goodbye, to gather to celebrate the lives of their loved ones, will be necessarily restricted by the pandemic measures.

My grumbling bad temper this morning and my angry questions about how and why this happened in my country, have no place beside their sorrow, their shock, their questions. Honestly, my apple cart is still pretty much full of good things on this sunny day in rural southern Ontario. The best thing that I can do is pay my respects as I am able, fill my heart with compassion for all then put the wheels back on my apple cart so that I can make the very best of another day, another week under the siege of COVID-19.

Thank you for your service Constable Heidi Stevenson. Thank you to the RCMP and all first responders who attended this horrific incident. May all the bereaved find support and comfort.

©2020 April Hoeller

Thursday or Thereabouts - April 16, 2020

Approaching the end of week 5 of lockdown, I'm thinking about all that would have been had this virus not invaded the land. The vacations, the family birthdays, the shopping when and where I wanted, walks along forest trails...Well, that got depressing rather quickly!

Then I wondered what I would normally be doing today, April 16, 2020. I would be going to the gym for a one-hour boot camp style workout followed by a quick shop at the vegetable market looking for colourful fresh ingredients to brighten meals, then straight back home to prepare a week's worth of suppers for the man.

What's that you say, a week's worth just for one person? Yup, because I would have also been getting ready to escape on my annual writer's retreat and rather than just five days, this time it was going to be a whole week at Elmhirst's Resort. The retreat has not been canceled but rather postponed until the golden days of  October, so today I'm free to revel in the glowing memory of past writing retreats.

Trolling through these photos, my shoulders drop, my breathing slows, a cozy warmth flows out from my belly to fill my whole being, my mind let's go of all angst and what begins as a slight smile grows into a full-face grin. 

I am comforted. I am inspired. I am writing.

Take Care.

Be well.

Be safe at Home.

Write.

©2020 April Hoeller 

Monday Meander - April 13, 2020

Report from the blankie fort - Week 5
Oh, my godfathers! Are we all still here?!

The Easter Bunny, that essential worker of the month, hopped in and out this weekend. I'm happy to say that despite the restrictions my efforts to make this Easter at least "good enough" actually worked, beginning with breakfast. The only time the man and I eat breakfast together is when we're on holiday and someone else is doing the cooking. But yesterday I rustled together this feast of blueberry buttermilk pancakes and bacon - what is a feast without bacon? - all bathed in butter and local maple syrup.

But I pinned most of my hopes on staging an outdoor Easter egg hunt for my granddaughter. I've never done that before and though the wind played havoc with the bunny trail - I had to put stones on the paw tracks - it did not rain and the sun occasionally brightened the landscape.

And I got the blessing of a lifetime watching from afar that little almost fourteen-month-old embark on her first Easter egg hunt with her Mom and Dad, who I think had almost as much fun as their little one did. I am grateful for camera zoom lenses!

Each plastic egg held a small cheddar bunny cracker. Once opened the cracker was eaten and the egg discarded, left behind in search of the next treat. Collecting the eggs in a basket was something for parents to do. It was an hour of delight in the fresh air that made Easter - the COVID-19 edition - the best it could be.

So, now what? The pandemic lockdown continues. What began as two weeks became three, then four and now five with no clear end in sight. I'm hoping May will bring some relief, at the very least warmer weather, flowers, sunshine, and BBQ's on the deck.

May 5, 2019 

In western Christian tradition, Easter Day kicks off a fifty-day season of celebration, Eastertide or the Great Fifty Days. I'm not confident that I, or for that matter any of us still held in check by the siege of COVID-19, will be able to claim these days as great ones. But just as I made Easter good enough, might I be able to do something to make each one of the fifty days between now and May 31 good enough? Now there's a challenge!

Day 1 was yesterday and it was beyond good enough.
Day 2 is today and I'm calling it good because I got this blog post done.
Only 48 more to go!



©2020 April Hoeller

Thursday, or Thereabouts - April 9, 2020

Today is Maundy Thursday in the western Christian tradition. Tonight churches following a sacramental tradition, would usually begin the Paschal Triduum, the three day period of liturgical observances that leave Lent behind and usher in the Easter season. But tonight will be different. Tonight there will be no people in the pews. This year The COVID-19 pandemic has the world in its grips, isolating us from our families, our friends, and our faith communities.

image: Alexandra Koch - pixabay.com

Though there will be some of the usual decorations around and about, there will be no festive family meal at my house this weekend. No ham with scalloped potatoes and spring veg to be shared among our children, their spouses, and a granddaughter. The house will not resonate with laughter, loud stories or silly jokes.

We are a family of blended faiths and traditions. Our Easter is shared with those celebrating Passover (Hebrew greeting: Chag Pesach Sameach!) and those who will celebrate the Pascal Feast a week from now in accordance with the Julian calendar (Serbian greeting: Hristos vaskrse, and the response: Vaistinu vaskrse). We are all struggling together but apart to celebrate these feasts of faith and family, courage and love.

Easter and Passover celebrate not only renewal and rebirth, but also a certain scrappiness and resilience, a certain indomitability of spirit. Hope and life triumphed over death and fear! We can rejoice in the fact that we are, at the very least, still alive. We can gather however we are able. And we can insist that the perfect not be the enemy of the festive.

Catherine Newman writing in the New York Times this week

Easter will be a hard story this year, so will Passover. There is nothing new in that. These festivals have always been hard stories just as they have been stories with beautiful endings.

What begins with darkness and fear ends with light and ...

I love this word. Be it whispered or shouted or sung, it is a word that for me is overflowing with gratitude, hope, humility, triumph, and joy. I cannot say it without a smile crossing my lips, a warmth rising in my heart, a tickling of joy sparkling through my soul. It is just the antidote to the siege of COVID-19.

I am blessed by the richness that family traditions bring to my table any and every day of the year. 

 I have plenty of food and clean water. 

I have warmth and shelter. 

I am blessed by love.

I am safe at home.

Alleluia! 

©2020 April Hoeller